I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm like, not good at living.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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