I think my fart just growled at me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
