woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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