that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
