I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Randomize
