In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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