having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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