I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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