considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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