hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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