Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
