Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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