I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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