Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
