He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
3pm strippers are depressing
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
