I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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