Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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