I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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