He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
