my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
