On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
