Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
