I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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