my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
