The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
