I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
