I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
