I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i will never coherently bang her
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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