did you get engaged???
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We just shotgunned beers for America
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
