I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize