Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
