I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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