Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
