The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
