Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
