He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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