The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She announced her abortion via fbk
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
