I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
birth control should be required to get into college
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
