then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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