If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
