She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
