My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize