I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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