I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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