I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we're making bets on your personal life
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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