If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
