i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
