You're my little dorito
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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