I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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