quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
