Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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