this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
