So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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