just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
