I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
