i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just threw up on my dentist
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
