omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
