Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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