I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
